Lock up your husbands, get 'em a slab. Get 'em a film and a Doner Kebab. They're sexier than Bardot, more shapely than Fonda, and none of them live as far as the Rhondda.
From Margam to Baglan, to Sandfields East. They're technicolour beauties, a visual feast. They're hot & horny and if you doubt it, they're here in the flesh to tell you all about it. Ladies & Gentlemen, we give you
THE PT BABES!
Carmen Geddit & Connie Lingus (Welsh Pornstars)
Filmography
Fumbles in Mumbles, Dogging in Ynysforgan, New pen-coeds, Golden Shower in the Gower, Hot and Sketty, Penis powys,
G-Splott, Dai Hard, Easy Rhayader, Bang-her in Bangor, Shaven Milford Haven, Truth or Aberdare, Make her Cry-nant, Ystylafera baby, Under– Neath Seven Sisters, When Barry met Sully, Any Burry Port in a storm, Make Hay-on-Wye, Tredegar Beaver, Taff’s Well hung, Cockett, Prestatyn me, Monmouth to mouth, Bonking in Cwmdonkin. Pyle on. Cymmer my face, Moisteg, Clydach-y-fi,
Earls-wood, Three Blaen-y-maes, Beef curtains and taibachs,
Bonermine, Filth Wells, Land(wh)ore, Abergavenny way up, Upper Cwm Tache.
Hi girls, When did you start following the Blues?
CONNIE: When I heard about the goings on in the Clubhouse over the years to be honest. Antics Roadshow stuff. The toilet doors are always engaged but what are the occupants engaged in that’s what I want to know. No wonder there’s never any toilet roll left. The loo looks like a billposters bucket. A yorkshire lass was in there the other night injecting ecstasy into her mouth. When I asked what she was doing she said ’E, by gum’.
CARMEN: I like the strikers at the club,The patient build-up play is good and they don’t shoot as soon as they get into the box. I like a good strong tackle from behind and a player who can spot an opening. The penalty takers always find the spot. The 3-0 win against Carmarthen was orgasmic and there was a bit of fisting at the end. Who’s that fella who keeps running out into the lane to retrieve his balls? We love it when the cameras are at the Remax, that Amanda, ooh. We’d love to let her come between us. I love the way the Blues dominate proceedings and the way they snatch victory. The boss is not afraid to crack the whip either. We used to hate playing the lido though as we are of no use when the red flags are out.
So how you girls doing in the Porn Industy?
CONNIE: To be honest, since the advent of the DVD our careers have really taken off. Gone are the days of fuzzy video screens which were like watching Rolf Harris eating a banana. I’m currently doing only girl on girl films as I’m trying to lose weight on the Weightwatchers diet and there’s not many points in a furburger. Carmen on the other hand, is on the Atkins so she is back on solids eating beef on the bone. Spit roasts and all.
CARMEN: I don’t like the Girl on girl thing much, you have to go into the dressing room (or the operating theatre as we call it) for a Strap-a-dictomy
first.
What you girls up to at the moment then?
CARMEN: I’m in the middle of shooting a film which contains a lot of rimming but most of it is tongue in cheek. No storyline though. Storylines are like my ankles, they go straight over my head.
CONNIE: I’m doing a lesbian scene with a new girl from Swansea. She’s hot. I saw her audition where she was using a coke bottle, I knew instantly she was the Real thing.
What are the downsides to the job?
CONNIE: Lack of hygiene and diseases really. Look at Carmen. Her vagina looks like Chewbacca after a fight. Don King in a headlock. Fair curtain drop on her too. It’s like a cross between a barber’s floor and a butcher’s window. Mine is like an Ambassador’s Hedge.
CARMEN: Listen to her. The girl who turned up for an anal scene with her a**e looking like the top of a sauce bottle. She had a yeast infection once and they used to call her the Whopper with Cheese.
Have you met anyone famous through your job?
CONNIE: I once got off with a judge and I gave him a dose, I told him it was dishonourable discharge. My mate slept with a Chelseas defender once and she filmed it. She was gonna release it and call it ’Debbie does Gallas’ but decided not to.
CARMEN: I pulled Jeremy Beadle one night. His c*ck looked tiny. But on the other hand it looked quite big.
Claire Voyant and Heather Seller
Address? No thanks, got a wardrobe full of them.
Favourite Football team?“Got to be Port Talbot for us although a lot of our lot follow the Lido. You may have seen a load of them camped out in the car park by the sports centre waiting for the turnstile to open” said Claire. Heather adds “They don’t travel to Lido’s away games surprisingly but then again who does. We hammered them at their place last christmas but only won one nil. They were cursing their luck while we were camped out in their half. Thought the Shrimpton thing was good publicity for them as you should always wash your dirty linen in public”.
Some tough games this season? We haven’t seen them. No fixture board. Get it, no fixed abode. Aww f**k off.
So you girls live a proper gypsy lifestyle then? Heather- “Oh yes. People always get the wrong impression about our lot. The general stereotypes are theiving, selling pegs and having loads of children. We believe condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion” said the mother of twelve. Claire chips in “We ain’t all religious either”, “I believe praying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It’s something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere”.
Have you any partners? Claire-“No, we were seeing this one fella but we dumped him. We both went to the doctors with large green circles on the inside of our thighs, so the doc said tell your guy his ear-rings are not real gold”. Heather-“Anyway, we don’t like talking about him. Can we move on”.Lol
Favourite moments? “When we first came to Aberafan one of our side-kicks, who’s a Fortune-telling Dwarf, pick-pocketed a few of his customers. The Police reckoned there was a small medium at large”. “Funny place though is Port Talbot. We went to a pub in Baglan years ago called the ‘Traveller’s Rest’ and there was a sign on the door saying ‘No Itinerants allowed’. Talk about dangling a carrot and snatching it away”.
Come on then girls, can you read my palm?Sure, oh, your going to come into money!
How right they were. I had a w*nk later that evening but ran out of Kleenex so I ejaculated into a £5 note.
Thanks girls!
Name: Anna Glypter
From: Cove Road
Job: DIY Enthusiast
Partner: Nice bloke called Andy Mann. Hell of a boy. Went for a job on a building site as a Handyman. Foreman asked him can he lay bricks."No" he said. "Can you Plaster?", "No" he said. "Can you do Carpentry?", "No"was the reply again. "Well" said the foreman. "What makes you think you're a Handyman?". "I only live round the corner", he said. My ex was a builder called Bob. He was in this woman's house once and she said "I want this bedroom painted red" so he shouted out the window "Green side up!". Then she said "I want this bathroom painted white" to which he again shouted outside "Green side up!". She started to worry a bit and asked him why he was shouting green side up. "Don't worry love, i've got a few Irish boys laying the front lawn. My blonde sister's quite handy too. She was asked by one of her neighbours to paint his porch for £50. She agreed and done it in 3 hours. When he squared up the money with her she said "By the way, it's not a porch it's a ferrari!".
Anna, you're a useful girl, why do you like Port Talbot? I thought they had lovely nets which were well put up by the groundsman. I liked the fixtures and the kit was fitting. Carpenter was a good manager. Liked the way they pasted Llanelli at home although we scraped a win at theirs. Rhyl threw everything except the kitchen sink at us, hope Marty Ellacott does a good wall and Matthew Rees can box em in. Some players, like Philpott and Twynham were totally unhinged, off the wall. Never forget Andy Pearson's goal where i knew he wood chip the keeper. Met some guy called tool as well which was a bonus.
And next season: Think we'll climb the ladder altough it certainly won't be hard to take the gloss off last season. Dave Hughes' drills will have them chomping at the bit, especially Leigh De Walt who has power. I'm sure Wayne will get the spirit level up and we'll nail a few teams. He's building a strong team with solid foundations. Think he's adding the finishing touches as we speak. Hope Luke Bowen starts a few more games though, I remember looking at him on the bench and thinking f**k me, that Youngman's board. Wonder if he's related to my idol Lawrence-Llewellyn, i'd love to bob and line his plums. Hope our players don't spend this season in Plaster like last term. Think we'll turn the screw though as some new players are coming in blind and fresh and it could be curtains for some teams. We just need to pull ourselves together.
Favourite Groups: Steps, Nine inch nails and MC Hammer.
Favourite TV Personality: Jimmy Nail, Timmy Mallet, Basil Brush
Favourite Programme: Brush Strokes, New Yankee Workshop, Changing Rooms.
Name? Pam Olive
From? Persil Avenue
Job? Yes, I'm a housewife which is a full time occupation I'll have you know.
Partner(s)? Boyfriends name is Daz, real clean guy. Takes me for a spin every night. He's a real Iron man, thinks he's Mr Muscle. Puts a big load in for me regularly but sometimes does it by hand.
Family? Haven't seen my dad for years, he decided to Vanish. Stepfathers name is Dusty Springclean, he's my non-biological father. My dad's a bit of a Fairy, needs to come clean. Always fighting with my stepdad though, Clothes lined him last week. Mothers name is Peg, she likes to hang out. She likes a blow too.
Thoughts on next season? We need to Iron out the silly mistakes. Think we need a good sweeper too. If we brush up on things pre-season i think we'll take a few teams to the cleaners. Hope Mike the Physio is staying on as he's great with a damp sponge. If we get the same bad luck and injuries as last season we could go down the plughole this time. Think we'll be in the Comfort zone though. Played a bit myself you know. Me and this busty centre half started throwing washing powder at each other, that was a great Ariel battle.
Favourite TV? Any of the soaps.
Favourite Group? Doves.
Favourite Song? Dirty, Cleaning windows, Cleaning out my closet.
Cheers Pam, Tidy!
Name: Blossom Hill
Where do you live: Bailey Street, in a Stonehouse.
Partner(s)? Well, i'm currently with a handsome chap called Carl Sberg. Saying that everyones good looking in Stellavision. I was donning the beergoggles when I met him. Beauty is in the eye of the Beerholder as they say. I was wearing my skintight lycra hotpants and he asked me "How the hell do you get into them pants", I said you can start by buying me a drink. He looked like Marti Feldman on tear-gas when the lights went up. He fell off the barstool and started sleeping on the floor and I thought, fair play, he knows when to stop. Robin Hood was an ex of mine, I love Archers with a Strongbow. Haven't seen Carl for a week, he's been on the p**s, think he's missing me though because Absinth makes the heart grow fonder, haha. I dont bother with women though, i'm no Beefeater. Me and my blonde friend walked into a bar last night, you think one of us would have seen it'.
You look a bit sloshed now Blossom, do you worry about your drinking? ' I'm not as think as you drunk I am. No, I'm not concerned at all. When I read about the perils and dangers of drinking I gave up reading. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Some people say their glass is half full, some say their glass is half empty, I say 'Oi are you drinking that or what'.
Why dont you get help for your alcoholism? 'I ain't an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. There's a difference, alcoholics have to go to them poxy meetings. Anyway, rehabs for quitters. I still lead a normal life. I was on my driving test last week and we drove down Wind Street. The examiner asked me "What does that sign mean over there?" I said yeah, two buds for the price of one every friday mate. Failed me on the spot he did. Then I mounted the pedestrianised pavement and smashed into a pillar, force of habit I'm afraid. Drink and drive by all means. There's nowt worse than having a smash when you're stone cold sober'.
What you think of the other babes? 'No time for them, sweets. Whats all that about? Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker, thats what I say'.
Where do you drink? 'Soccer clubs good, Guiness is buy one get one free at the moment. Wouldn't say I've abused it but I've had more iron in me than Barry Sheene's legs the past week or two. Wetherspoons is good for cheap ale. Walked in there last Wednesday afternoon and said 'Barman, a drink for everybody including yourself. So he obliged and said that will be £60. I said I was skint so he slung me out the doors. Went back in the day after and said 'Barman, a drink for everyone'. 'No drink for me today then' he said. 'P*ss off, you get nasty in drink' I told him. Anyway big up to the Blues for next season, hope you mix it with the best of them and maybe even win a double.
24 hour drinking laws, discuss? Bring it on.
Favourite Player(s)? Wayne Savage, I like a player with Brains. Gareth and Thommo, I love G+T.
Favourite Music? Red red wine, Whiskey in the jar, Brandys a good singer.
Favourite film(s)? Tequila Sunrise.
Favorite TV? Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, Last of the summer wine, Toughest pubs in britain.
Cheers Blossom, no doubt we'll see you round town.
Name: Candy Barr
Occupation: Purveyor of fine sweets and chocolate.
You're a Sweetheart Candy, do you have another half? 'Well I have got one but I don't see much of him as he's a bit of a Drifter. He lives up north and says he's a Yorkie but I think he's from Mars, think he came off a Flying saucer and he's always on the Spacedust. His ex-wife Caramel Fizzbombed him out due to his eczema, she reckoned she was sick of hoovering up his Flakes. My ex partner was a bad' un, Bertie Bassett his name was. He was playing around behind my back, caught a STD, sleeping with Allsorts'.
Why the Blues? 'I was first attracted to them when I heard about the fine drumsticks they had down there. Victoria Road is a quality street. The club house got pastille colour decor, the barmaids had Cherry lips (but wine gums) and they always gave you a Twirl. The players are spread around South Wales and they've got a nice Swansea Mixture. Sometimes I take a Time-out from the game as being a fan is a bit of a Marathon'.
You work in a sweet shop then: 'Yeah, it's a busy establishment. Been doing it so long now I need to go on a Refresher course. Audrey Hempburn calls in now and again for a bag of behind the counter Sherbet, Anne Diamond Decker loves dime ond bars and Christina Aggraphobia sends the kids over for sweets all the time, no wonder her teeth have fallen out and she got bad gums. Had a couple of gayboys in the other day, started moving all the cheap chocolate bars about, I f***ing hate Fudge nudgers. Caused a few Ripples when I kicked them out'.
Next season? 'I've got some strawberry laces for the boys boots as they were going over like skittles especially Carl Shaw. Its not going to be a bed of roses thou, but if Gareth Phillips makes more crunchie tackles, Matthew Rees does a few jaw breakers in the air, some may think that I'm talking toffee but we'll get the bounty of Europe'.
Favourite drink? 'I like coffee made the milky way and hot chocolate'.
Favourite Perfume? 'Cocoa Chanel'.
TV Programme? 'The flumps'.
Music? 'M+M's albums are hot and of course I like Wham'.
Food - non sweets now sweetheart? 'Fruit salad'.
Ambitions? 'To find a sweet sugar Daddy'.
Cheers Candy make sure the blues got the right flavour next season.
Barbie Cue from Village Gardens
Favourite Club - 'Well when I stopped being a bed hopper, I became a ground hopper. I liked Afan Lido because they had a Weedie down there, but one of their pear shaped fans started calling Blues the Spuds, I had to have a look, the swimming pool is not a patch on Victoria Road'.
Did this fan have a head shaped like a swede? 'No a Pumpkin, I divided the circumference of his head by the diameter and it came up as Pumpkin Pi'.
You are a hot PT Babe barbie do you have partner? 'Yeah Paddy O'Furniture, he calls me flower, he wants my tulips on his organ. I am a water sign, he is an earth sign together we make mud, really dirty. Paddy is off his tree, he's raking it in, but he did not folk out for his motor, its a shed. We moved into a new love nest recently, with a great rear end, I love the back garden'
Next season? ' When the going gets tough, the tough gets growing, Wayne Davies calls a spade a spade and he knows that you can't beat a hard boiled egg on a matchday morning, this squad is going to blossom'.
Favourite player? 'I dig Dougie Johnson. Some of our players are like Bulbs we have not seen them since autumn'.
Favourite Position? 'Outdoors - anywhere where the kids Lettuce alone. Ive flattened some grass in my time'.
Thanks Barbie Supercool - if you need another grilling don't call us we'll call you!
Anne Diamond-Decker From: NewBridge Road
Marital Status? 'Juan King. I compare him to a pack of playing cards. I need a Heart to love him, a Diamond to marry him, a Club to smash his f***ing head in and a Spade to bury the ba**ard!'
Favourite Club: 'Well I used to follow the Jacks then had a spell down with the Lido jokers but the red club is a full house of queens'.
Your thoughts on the season: 'Well, I really like Wayne as a manager, he shuffles the pack really well. Him, Colin and Clive were Three of a kind. We were dealt a bad hand with injuries but the average age of the squad is under 21 so we can either stick with what we've got or try and snap up a few more players.We'll have to see what the gaffers got up his sleeve. As long as the players show plenty of Heart. I shouldn't Brag but our club always plays good football on the Deck!'
What were your thoughts on the Merger: 'Straight up, I went to that meeting and I'm glad we sorted everything out, people were quite pokerfaced and down. As a club we were never flush but I'm so relieved that the club didn't fold. When the chips are down we'll come up trumps but there could be a twist in the tail!'
Thoughts on next season: 'If we play our cards right and the Blues can get a good run together. We should be ok, if we do well who knows, we may even get a full house, that would be Ace. We just need to up the stakes. Think we'll finish on 52 points!'
Favourite Food: 'Steak and Chips, No 21 in the chinese'.
Favourite Films: 'Casino, Ace Ventura, Three Kings'.
Favourite groups: 'Queen, Kings of Leon, Ace, King'.
Favourite song: 'Ace of spades, Harlem Shuffle, Diamonds are forever, Club Tropicana, Total eclipse of the heart, Leader of the pack'.
Whats with the double barrel surname: 'Dad was a jewellry smuggler, right diamond geezer and Mam worked on the buses, top deck, what a pair!'
Name: Kay Nine
From: Croeserw
What first brought you to Port Talbot Town? ' My Pal took me down there. I knew that I would never stray when I saw the ground was bowl shaped, I just lapped it up, wags in the crowd, barking mad staff, the club got pedigree, ok there is some litter but that only makes me broody, Port Talbot Town I knew they would Winalot - once a Blue always a Blue'.
Worst ground in WPL? 'Lido is ruff, it is full of bitches and there are some pups behind the goal, really though their bark is worse than their bite, but once bitten twice shy and without wanting to sound dogmatic I will not be going back there for a while'.
Best and worse part of this season? 'The new strip is great with a nice fitting collar and Wayne Savage back in Blue chasing the ball round like a dog with a bone. On the downside we can't seem to hold on to the lead, that must change at the tail end of the season. Blues must not keep coming from behind'.
Biggest let Down in the WPL? 'One man and a dog crowd rumour not being true'.
Fave position? 'Doggy'.
Favourite Artist? Snoop Doggy Dogg
Favourite Sportsman? Jack Russel
Favourite Songs? Who let the Dogs Out, Puppy love, Golden Retriever(Super Furry Animals), Hounddog.
What you think of our website? 'It's the dog's bollocks!'
Thanks for that Kay, you're an absolute Howler!
Name: Audrey Hemp-burn
From: Marsh Street PT
Your a nice Clean PT Babe Miss Hempburn - what is your favourite soap? Morrocan
Favourite Ground? 'Llanelli's a nice joint. Top draw!'
Grass or Astroturf? 'Dunno, I've never smoked astroturf'.
Best thing about away trips? 'Hash Brown and smoked bacon in Rhayader'.
Town's chances next season? 'We're like cannabis our team, we look great on paper! Always Clippering the Bar tho. Wipe the slate clean next season'.
Thanks Audrey for that incredible insight into your inner mind and dope interview.
With PT Babes like Audrey we will surely finish Higher in the WPL.
Name: Doris Day Release
From: Cefn Coed, Abertawe.
Age: 'How old do you want me to be!'
Favourite meal: 'Wednesdays'.
Phobias? 'Oh, usually 5 or 6 but not when I'm on medication'.
Why do you want to be a PT Babe? 'All my mates were egging me on after I had one of them makeovers like you see on Daytime TV, telling me I had the right stuff'.
What sets you apart from the other PT Babes? 'A full set of teeth to start'.
Christina Aggraphobia, 24 yrs old from Ruskin Avenue.
What have you thought of the last season? 'Glad to see Blues stayed in the League. All problems were kept in-house and behind closed doors just the way I like it aha aha'.
Any Ambitions? 'To collect the milk'.
Do you eat out? 'If she's a nice enough girl, oh sorry, no,no, I never go to a restaurant'.
Any honours? 'Pwllhelli Butlins 69 Gurning Champion'.
What gets up your nose? 'My bottom lip mostly'.
Favourite Music? Housemartins
Nicknames? 'Kids call me Miss Beardsley'.
Keep your Chin Up Christina and keep watching Clwb Pel Droed for your Blue action
Bitme Shears, 26 yrs old from Chrome Avenue.
Cindi Gawper, 28 yrs old from Burke Avenue.
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